Sasquatch, Love, and Other Imaginary Things Read online

  I typed out one more fast text to Charlie. TV people are confiscating our phones. If I don’t come back in three weeks, send in the Loch Ness Monster and some scotch. The phone whooshed as it delivered my message. When Beth came to me, I deposited my last connection to the outside world in the basket.

  “Any questions before we get started?” Colin asked.

  When no one responded, he glanced at Jake, who was busy checking his makeup in the mirror with the help of the leggy makeup girl. “Jake! You’re up first. We’ll start with your solo intro. We’re chasing daylight. Let’s get on with it.”

  “Dude, chill. I’m almost ready. Mindy here was just working her magic.” He gave her a flashy smile. Mindy, who was probably ten years older and at least six inches taller than Jake, flipped her long brunette hair and smiled indulgently at his attempt at swaggering. Lyssa’s eyes narrowed a bit. It was her game face. I’d seen it at pageants over the years. She could be very competitive when she felt like it. Not about anything worthwhile like school or sports, but Mindy better watch out.

  “Don’t even think about it, Lyssa.” I grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear. “We’re here for one reason only.”

  “To make Dad happy, so he’ll let me take Driver’s Ed even though I got a C in science this year?”

  “Okay, two reasons. I was referring to the money, but whatever keeps your head in the game.”

  Jake must have finally been ready to do his thing, because they called quiet on the set. He stood in front of a Myth Gnomers banner and spoke directly to the camera.

  “The Loch Ness Monster. The Jersey Devil. The Chupacabra. Legendary creatures such as these ignite the imagination of people around the world. On this season of Myth Gnomers we’ll travel the globe in search of the truth behind those myths and more, starting right here in the Pacific Northwest.”

  “Great!” Colin said. “Let’s take intro number two.”

  Jake cracked his knuckles then stood in position again. “What happens when two rival Bigfoot teams face off in a race to be the first to find conclusive evidence of the existence of Sasquatch? Can the Berger family from the backwoods of Ohio, armed only with their wits and years of mountaineering experience, beat Netherfield Academy’s brightest young anthropology students equipped with the latest state-of-the-art technology?”

  Backwoods? WTF? Sure, we weren’t from Paris, but last time I checked we had running water and a Starbucks.

  “The winners will walk away with bragging rights and two hundred thousand dollars in cash . . .”

  As Jake continued his intro, Makeup-Girl Mindy came around to get us all ready for filming. She patted my face and Sophie’s with pressed powder. “You two don’t need much. I just want to get rid of the shine.”

  Her lips curved slightly downward when she got to Lyssa, who had teased her hair into a puffy cheerleader ponytail and slathered on orange bronzer in an attempt to look like a reality television star.

  “Can you add more mascara?” Lyssa asked, oblivious to Mindy’s deepening frown lines.

  “I think you’ve got plenty, honey,” Mindy replied, retreating back to the makeup trailer. Lyssa grabbed a mascara wand from her bag and applied two more coats on her own. I hoped Bigfoot had a thing for raccoons.

  Not that we were going to get a chance to see a Sasquatch anytime soon. Television production turned out to be a painfully slow process. We sat and waited for what felt like hours. Jake did about a dozen takes of his two monologues then sauntered to his dressing room. The crewmembers fluttered about adjusting equipment, making jokes, and drinking coffee, while nothing seemed to be happening.

  I squirmed in my seat, seriously antsy. What the hell were we waiting for? I just wanted to get this shoot over with so that we could hike to our site and set up camp before it was completely dark.

  I looked for Colin, but he had disappeared, so I circled around the production trailer, thinking maybe he was on the other side. As I rounded the corner, I spied Colin interviewing the Netherfield team. I ducked back behind the trailer before they saw me.

  “I feel pretty good about our chances of winning, now that we’ve met the competition,” Caroline drawled to the camera. “They seem . . . um, enthusiastic. But, honestly, I really don’t see how they think they have a chance against us. We’re all in the top of our class at one of the best prep schools in the country. It’s almost not fair.” She paused, glancing at the boys to back her up.

  Devan fidgeted like he wasn’t sure where to look or what to do with his somewhat gangly arms. Moving them behind his back, he cleared his throat and spoke, too loudly, as if he were reciting a proclamation.

  “We’ve got some fantastic research equipment and are up to date on the latest field study techniques,” he said. “We’re confident that the Bergmans . . .”

  “Bergers,” Colin interrupted.

  Devan waved off the correction, like it didn’t matter. “We’re quite confident that the Bergers as amateur hobbyists won’t have the skills or know-how to compete.”

  Colin focused the lens on Kyle, and Devan let out a breath, probably of relief. I’d seen enough. I spun around and stormed back to my team. Livid. And worried that the other team was right, that we didn’t have a chance.

  I clenched and unclenched my fists until I was breathing normally again. It was bad enough we were searching for Bigfoot on television. Now the other team was trashing us on camera. It wasn’t just what they said or how quickly they dismissed us that hurt me so much. It was what they didn’t say. That they thought my family wasn’t as educated and classy as they were.

  “Sam! Get over here!” Lyssa hollered at me when I emerged from the other side of the trailer. “We’re gonna start soon.”

  They had herded my family into a formation at the base of the trail that would lead to our camping area. The bigger crew guy was there with a camera, already trained on my family’s faces. The cameraman gave me a big grin when I approached the group and pointed to an empty spot next to Sophie. Sophie took one look at my face and her eyebrows rose in confusion and concern. I just shook my head, and tried to stop myself from grinding my teeth. Sophie let it go, probably figuring she’d get the story from me later.

  A sound guy handed me a wireless body mic, and showed me how to hook it to my shirt collar, while Beth moved the other team and their own film crew to their trailhead a few yards over.

  Colin’s megaphone emitted a loud feedback squeal, and he winced. “Okay, everyone. Jake’s going to give the intro to the first challenge and we’re going to film your reactions. Then, after the monologue, we want you to race up the trails with your gear, so be ready to run.”

  There was a loud grumble from both teams. Colin added, “You don’t have to run the whole way. Just for the first few seconds—we want to create some drama and tension between the teams.”

  Tension between the teams? Check! I was barely holding it together. I really, really wanted to let Devan and Caroline have it, to storm over there and slap the smugness right off their faces.

  But then I had a moment of clarity. The best way to hurt them would be to win—puncturing those huge egos of theirs. So I decided to smile, like the rest of my team, and let the preps underestimate us. It was better this way. We would kick their sorry asses and they’d never see it coming.

  I peeked over at the other team and to my horror, I caught Devan staring right at me. I glared back defiantly, and after a few seconds he glanced away.

  Jake stood between the two teams, facing the camera, feet apart like he was preparing to box.

  “We’re going to do this a couple of times to make sure it’s right,” Colin announced from behind the cameras. “Rolling,” he added.

  “Bigfoot babes and Sasquatch dudes, it’s time for your first challenge. Your teams must travel deep into the woods to—”

  “Cut!” Colin yelled. “Stick to the script, Jake. You can read, right?”

  Jake stuck his chest out, which while a fine specimen of what a chest sho
uld be, didn’t do much to help his case. “I’m just making it sound cool, bro. What you wrote is dry. No one will make it past the first commercial break.”

  “Let’s not try to be cool.” Colin stepped out from behind the camera holding the pressure points on both sides of his head. “We’re taking this seriously because the viewers and the contestants take Bigfoot seriously. I’ll allow you the occasional pun, but you are under no circumstances to call anyone ‘Babe’ or ‘Dude.’ ” Got it?”

  “Got it,” Jake said with a winning smile and two hands pointed like guns at Colin.

  “Take two!” Beth hollered loudly once Colin took his spot behind the camera.

  Jake smoothed his hair, and smirked. Lowering his voice to a more serious tone he said, “It’s day one of the hunt for Bigfoot, and the two rival teams will travel deep into the desolate woods and call upon their tracking skills to bring back physical proof of the mysterious beast. Big feet, claws, and bodies leave all sorts of clues behind. Our contestants will have one week to scour the area. The trackers who bring back the most convincing footprint, tissue sample, or other piece of physical evidence from the trails will be the winner of this round. Be bold, be creative, and be safe. Now, go Bigfoot or go home!”

  I gave Devan and his friends one last look before I took off running up the dirt trail.

  Chapter 4

  “Bigfoot sightings are common in certain areas, usually where there is a small population of humans. Either Bigfoot prefers solitude and certain terrains, or people in unpopulated areas have more time for Bigfoot hunting.”

  —Kyle Park, senior at Netherfield Academy

  “Cut!” Colin shouted a few moments later.

  Ugh. We’d only run about twenty yards up the hill when I had to skid to a halt to avoid careening into the cameraman, who had stopped dead in his tracks. He had been running backwards ahead of us in order to capture all the glory of the Berger family in full gallop.

  “Sorry, kid.” The cameraman lowered the heavy equipment from his shoulder and held out a hand to steady me. “Guess we get to run up the hill again.”

  “Yay,” I said with fake enthusiasm. “Being on TV is even more glamorous than I dreamed.”

  The big guy laughed at my joke, and began to lead my family back down to the starting point. “We probably won’t do too many staged scenes. Mostly I’ll follow you around and let you guys do your thing. You’ll forget I’m even here.”

  “If you say so.” I wasn’t convinced that this six-foot, two-hundred-fifty-pound, middle-aged dude with a long red ponytail and a Yoda shirt would be easy to ignore.

  “I’m Hal, by the way.” He held out his meaty hand.

  I wiped the sweat off of my much smaller hand and took his to shake. “I’m Sam.”

  “Nice to be working with you guys. We’re going to have a lot more fun than those stuffed shirts.” Hal gestured down the hill at the other team.

  Yup. Hal and I would get along just fine. I was only a little out of breath as we arrived at the bottom of the hill for the next take. Colin and Jake were also there, facing off. There was a lot of pointing, jabbing, and other gestures. “Do it again,” Colin glared down at Jake, who was shorter. “And try to be a little more subtle. This isn’t one of your ghost shows.”

  “No shit. Ghosts are real and scary. Bigfoot’s just some made-up movie monster,” Jake shot back.

  “Ghosts aren’t real, Jake.” Colin sighed. “And for our purposes, Bigfoot is flesh and blood. Just do your job and don’t editorialize. You’re paid to host, not think.”

  Jake either didn’t notice Colin shaking his head and clenching his jaw, or he just didn’t care. “Some of the ghosts I’ve dealt with could totally kick Bigfoot’s hairy ass. Let’s lock you in a haunted asylum and see who’s scared.”

  “Back to work. Now.” Colin grabbed his heavy-duty binder and held it in the air like a reminder of why we were all there.

  Jake coolly picked at the chipping black polish on his nails. “I have to get into character. It’s gonna take a while. I need a private trailer and some rap music.”

  Colin stepped closer to Jake, and growled. “You have two minutes and a park bench. Take it or leave it.”

  “Not cool, dude. I’m calling my agent! This isn’t what I signed up for.” Jake’s voice rose with agitation.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Colin said. “We’ve only shot ten minutes of usable footage. I’ll happily start over. And so you know, I can bring in another pretty face from any number of failed supernatural shows. I hear the Monster Hunt guys are free . . .”

  Jake stormed off, giving Colin the finger over his shoulder. Colin threw his hands up in the air. “Take five, everyone. Come back ready.” He walked over to a tree stump, sat down, and massaged his temples.

  Finally, Jake decided he was ready to work again. He did a few different takes of the introduction monologue, and each time we’d all lumber up the hill with our gear. The third time, we were allowed to keep going.

  The location my parents had pre-chosen for our campsite was about two miles into the grounds, uphill the whole way, of course. My dad had wanted to camp even farther into the wilderness, but the production company insisted that the site be accessible by Jeep so they could get the crew in and out more easily. Unfortunately for us, though, Colin thought it would be more entertaining to watch us hike the whole way, so the Jeep would not be accompanying us.

  The mosquitoes, however, would be joining us on our journey, and judging by my already swollen arm, it was an all-they-could-eat buffet and we were the main course.

  About a mile into our hike, the trail turned, and we found ourselves on a steep ridge, overlooking a creek running through the valley below. The unmistakable sound of the other team’s voices floated up to us.

  “You’ve got to be flipping kidding me,” I said under my breath. I dropped my thirty-five-pound backpack, mopped the sweat off my face, and peered at the scene below.

  I put a finger over my lips to get everyone else to be quiet so I could listen.

  “Kyle! Be careful with that! DeGraw will kill us if we break any of the academy’s equipment,” Caroline whined.

  Kyle lugged one of several big black plastic cases up the steps of a log cabin.

  Log cabin was a big understatement.

  The house could totally have been featured on an episode of Hollywood’s Famous Forest Dwellers. The one-story wooden house, complete with a picturesque porch swing, was clearly where the other team would be staying. Caroline was wheeling some huge metal equipment through the front door, followed by the other cameraman. The warm yellow glow pouring out from the windows made it obvious that the cabin had electricity. No doubt there was running water and cable television, too. It was like camping out at the Four Seasons.

  “Ooh, they’re ‘glamping.’ I want to glamp,” Lyssa said.

  “Glamping?” my mom asked.

  “Glamorous Camping,” she explained. “It’s what all the celebrities are into these days.”

  “Are they going to lure Bigfoot with a continental breakfast?” I laughed and watched Devan unload a huge cooler from the back of the Jeep.

  “Oh, Samantha,” my dad said, taking out his industrial-sized binoculars, “they’ll never catch him from there. But we’ll be on the ground, thinking like the Wood Ape, living like the Wood Ape, and sensing his every move.”

  “And smelling like the Wood Ape after a few days,” I grumbled. “At the same time they’ll have central heating and a microwave. If I were a Wood Ape, I’d much rather hang out with them.” I complained, but I hoped my dad was right and that, despite their fancy equipment, they had no idea what they were doing. All I knew was that I had come to win, even if beating them required getting stinky and eating beans out of a can.

  “Do you think they’ll at least let us use the shower?” Lyssa whined. “Those guys are pretty cute, maybe if I flirt . . .”

  “No!” Mom said, more forcefully than usual. “No flirting with the enem
y. We can do this on our own. Your dad has a plan. Come on, let’s go set up camp. It’s not that much further.”

  Lyssa’s eyes were glassy with the threat of tears. I tilted my head toward the camera, to remind her that this was all being filmed, and Lyssa, catching my drift, rubbed her eyes and plastered on a smile.

  I heaved my big old backpack onto my already achy shoulders and took one last look at the competition’s cabin, wondering what it would be like to be born into that kind of fancy-pants life.

  We followed my dad for another mile or so until he located our site, a small clearing surrounded by dense tree cover, not too far from the lake.

  I glanced around, spying three remote cameras up in the trees around our site.

  My dad clapped his hands with anticipation and waited for Hal to focus the camera lens. “This is the perfect environment for an apex predator, like our Wood Ape. Remote, yet with prime access to a water source and great cover for hiding and nesting during the day. Yes, this should do nicely. A camp fit for a Squatch.”

  My mom gave him an affectionate squeeze on the arm. Dad and Sophie started setting up one of the tents, laughing and smiling. With slightly less enthusiasm, Lyssa and I worked on another. Even though Sophie and I grew up camping, climbing trees, and building forts outside, Lyssa didn’t. Nothing was supposed to get in the way of her pageants. Especially not the sunburns, scrapes, or twisted ankles that come from being a kid playing outdoors. Her struggle with the tent poles made it obvious she didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

  “Lyssa, pay attention!” Mom snapped at her. “You’ve got the line all twisted.”

  Hearing that, Hal turned away from my Dad and swooped in to focus the camera on Lyssa’s frustration. I casually stepped in between him and the mess of a tent, earning an annoyed grunt from the cameraman for ruining his shot. Oops.

  “It’s fine, Mom. We’re almost done,” I said. I really didn’t want to have to sit through yet another argument.